Sora’s Ultimate Guide to Riku
by ProfessorHojotheGEN-I-US
Summary: In the epic battle between Riku vs. Anybody, who would win? Could Riku win in a fight again Leon, Cloud, and Sephiroth? Could he defeat Organization XIII single handedly? Is there anyone he can't beat?
1. What is a Riku?

A/N: Loosely based off of the book REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book by Robert Hamburger. And if you've never read the book, I strongly recommend it. It's hilarious. Anyway, Sora gives us a guide to all that is Riku. And, yes, it will have strong Riku x Sora hints. Just tellin' you now. Oh yes, and this is from Sora's point of view.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

---------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

---------------

What is a Riku? Well, I bet that lots of you reading this think you truly know what a Riku is. But I should really rephrase that. Riku's not really a what; he's more of a who. And there is really only one Riku, so the question should be: Who is Riku? And maybe you know who Riku is . . . on the outside. You know he's my best-friend-turned-lover-hottie-with-a-tight-little-behind, but do you really know Riku? And I mean _really_? No, of course not. Luckily, I, Sora: Master of all that is Riku, am here to enlighten you about the man underneath the flowing silver tresses.

Our first step in learning about Riku is to know exactly what he is. Thus, the first section is titled: _Getting to Know Riku_.

**Getting to know Riku**:

Riku is a male of the 16 year old age variety. He is a warm blooded, non-egg laying mammal. Hairy only on his head, he must wear clothes to keep warm and to be considered decent in every day society. I would prefer he wear no clothes, but I don't have that kind of power.

Sensitive to sun noting his pale complexion and fair hair, it is a wonder that he lives in an island based community. Where there's lots of sun. And I've never seen him get a sunburn. I've seen him tan, but how he escapes the deadly rays of the sun is beyond me.

Tall and lean, he shows off his stomach often. And rightly so. Seen primarily wearing tank tops as well, it would seem that he enjoys his arms. And while firm and muscular, it's a wonder if he even wears shirts with sleeves. But I ain't complainin'. However, it would seem that he likes covering up his legs due to the fact that he chooses to wear pants of a baggier variety. But, whatever. His body, I suppose.

He attracts both female and male mammals with his trademark hair and grin. And with a well placed wink, Riku's facial features can be known to be quite devastating.

* * *

**Scene 1:** Riku walks up to a large crowd of people. There is a guitar playing softly in the background. A drum sound corresponds to every step he takes. The crowd begins to part for him and, eventually, becomes deadly silent. The only noise that can be heard is the sound of the guitar getting loader and faster in the background. When he makes his way up to the front, Riku stands with his back to the audience for a few moments. Taking his sunglasses off as he turns his head, he shakes his hair around a bit. Looking at the crowd, he gives them a stunning grin. The guitar goes silent as Riku says, "Thanks," and then he winks. The guitar comes back wailing hard as the people in the crowd swoon and faint. Riku then walks off into the sunset as the guitar fades off.

* * *

Some people think Riku is just a hot piece of man meat. And while he is that, there's more to him besides his looks. Sensitive in some occasions, Riku has been known to cry at movies such as Titanic and A Little Princess. However, he never openly admits that he cries. He always has something "in his eye". How convenient. Anyway, he can be known to be quite a jerk at times too. Such instances would include, but are not limited to: eating the last of your French fries, waking you up early if he was bored of being up alone, tickling you into a fetal position for twenty minutes while you cried, laughed, and screamed, "I surrender!", but he didn't stop because he said you were just too adorable, etc. Overall, he is charming, funny, and jerkish. But I love him. And I know a good majority of you do as well.

Well, now that you've gotten to know Riku, maybe you should know a little about the origin of Riku. Sure, his personality's all well and good, but how was his upbringing? What were his first words to me? This section is titled: _Getting to know Riku – The __Back-__story_.

**Getting to know Riku – The Back-story**:

An only child, Riku grew up in a loving family with a mom and a dad. Probably. Born and raised on Destiny Islands, he longed for something else. Something like another world, so when he got there he could be all, "Hey, wow. Another world. Cool!" and then, when he got back, he could say, "I've been to another world. It's cool."

When I first met Riku, we were both pretty young. It was on the island we continually went to, you know the one, and I remember it being just him and me. It was a warm day with a salty breeze.

* * *

**Scene 2:**

Riku: Hey.

Sora: Uh, hi.

Riku: . . .

Sora: Um . . .

Riku: Feeling tired?

Sora: Wha?

Riku: Do you need a break from the everyday? Boss getting you down?

Sora: I, uh . . . what?

Riku: What you need, my friend, is to help me find a way off this island to another world! There, you can relax in style. Space is limited, fun is not.

Sora: . . . Uh, ok!

Riku: Great!

* * *

And that's how that went. Anyway, we lived out a few more good years on that island making plans and doodling on cave walls.

Finally, the night came when the whole "Kingdom Hearts" fiasco started. And had Riku been afraid of the dark, then it wouldn't have happened the way it did. Fortunately for me, the instant Riku succumbed to the darkness, he gave up his right to be the rightful keyblade master. And while it hurts that I am the second pick for the job, I accepted it gracefully. Skipping over the details, we both had to shut each other on opposite sides of the door. I'd like to point out, however, that Riku had seemed to develop an extreme case of Bipolar disorder throughout this game. Of course, it may have just been teenage angst, but he got over that phase . . . thankfully.

Then, we had to deal with the equally annoying "Chain of Memories" thing. While I was doing my little ditty, Riku was doing his. Unfortunately, I feel asleep before I saw Riku, so we didn't have any time for the whole hugging/kissing part of our reunion. And, when I woke up, he was gone. But I guess I never _really_ knew he had come to see me in the first place. Still, my Riku sense had been tingling. I even had a dream about him in the creepy sleeping chamber/pod/blob.

* * *

**Dream Sequence: **I am standing in the middle of nowhere when, suddenly, I hear, "Hey there, Baby Cakes." Turning, I see Riku standing there with his hand outstretched to me. Shaking my head I say, "Not again!" Looking at me confusedly, dream Riku says, "Ah, come on. You know you want to." Deciding to just do it, I walk over to him holding my arm out as well. When I'm only a few feet from him I start thinking, _"Great. When I get over there he's g__onna get swept__ away by an ocean, engulfed by darkness, picked up by a tornado, or some other crazy yet annoying thing like that."_ However, when I reach him, I feel his hand close around mine. Surprised, I look down at my hand and come to discover that I actually grabbed his hand this time. Looking into his eyes, he winks at me. I swoon and faint. And that's it.

* * *

When "Kingdom Hearts II" came around, I was searching desperately for Riku, while he was too ashamed to find me because of his appearance. In the end, however, we got back together, and he got his appearance back. So we beat Xemnas up good, returned home, and then Riku made me a man. Of sorts.

Currently, Riku is living peacefully on Destiny Islands. His dreams of finding other worlds has been overly satisfied, and he spends a good portion of his time sitting on a tree and staring into nothingness. Other than that, he spends most of his time with me. And we do things.

Alright, well, now you know Riku. I mean, you know about him. You don't know him yet. I have so much more to tell you! Where else will you learn of Riku's various weapons or the correct way to approach a Riku? How will you know what to feed him? From whom else will you learn how to love a Riku in the proper way? That's what I thought.

In the next chapter, we will explore the hobbies and interests of Riku. This will give you the proper tools for engaging Riku in conversation. It will also give you hints and tips on what you should get Riku on special occasions if you choose to get him anything at all. Moreover, this will fully conclude the section on "Getting to know Riku", and we'll then move on to the more intimate, complicated things. Thank you.

--------- End of Chapter One ---------

A/N: Short and sweet. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Well, you know what will be in store for the next chapter, so keep an eye out for that. And thanks for reading.


	2. Riku's Interests and Hobbies

A/N: In this wonderful chapter, Sora informs us of Riku's various hobbies and interests. Extensively. It's a bit longer than the first chapter, but that's all good.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

So, you still think you know Riku? I doubt it. But I bet you want to find out more. Well, don't worry. I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know and then some. In this chapter, we will be exploring Riku's various interests and hobbies.

Riku's Interests

Alrighty, here's the interest section. And believe me, Riku's got a crap load. So, without further ado, enjoy the various interests of Riku.

Football: Despite what people may say, Riku is quite the football player. Of course, with his form, why wouldn't he be a football player? Well, I suppose he could be a model instead, but we all must remember that he's a man. And men like football. Usually. Anyway, Riku can be found every so often on the football field or merely tossing "the ol' pigskin" around with Tidus and Wakka. I hate football, so I'm usually the cheerleader. But that's beside the point.

Music: It's pretty much a given that everyone likes music of some kind or another. Riku can usually be found listening to various artists on his stylish iPod or phone. Which to me is absurd, because who really needs their phone to play music when there are so many other devices that are created for the sole purpose of playing music? Seriously. So, what _is_ Riku listening to?

Finding Riku swaying his hips to Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" is a common sight. Well, not really. He doesn't dance in public . . . nor does he admit that he even likes the song, but moving on. Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" is another one he fondly sings along with in the shower as well as "Umbrella" by Rihanna and "Like A Boy" by Ciara.

You must be thinking Riku is quite the pop/hip-hop lover, and that would sound about right. But, interestingly enough, Riku is quite the violin player as well. Consequently, he enjoys the classics such as: Mozart's _Requiem_, Vivaldi's _Season_ collection, and _Orpheus in the Underworld_.

* * *

**Riku receives a telephone call**:

Riku: Hello?

Kairi: Hey, Riku! What's up?

Riku: Nothing.

Kairi: That's cool. Hey, I can't think of what to get you for your birthday. Do you like Shakira?

Riku: (Riku is silent as "Hips Don't Lie" plays in the background) . . . Uh . . .

Kairi: I, uh, guess I'll take that as a yes.

Riku: Well, you'd be _wrong_! I hate this wonderful song! If you get me this CD I will never speak to you again!

Kairi: But . . . it's playing in the background.

Riku: No it's not.

* * *

**Scene 1**:

Riku and Sora are watching "Amadeus."

Sora: Wasn't that a great movie, Riku?!

Riku: It was all right.

Sora: Riku are you . . . are you crying?

Riku: No, it's raining.

Sora: We're in a building.

Riku: Leaky ceiling.

* * *

Clothes: Because they're necessary, Riku can go for hours looking for clothes. And while clothes are essential, he likes them more than normal people. Thus, another interest Riku has is clothes. Not so much shopping, he just likes clothes.

Buying him clothes, however, is not recommended. I mention this as a warning.

* * *

**Scene 2**:

Sora: Hey Riku! I bought you the cutest shirt today! Try it on.

Riku: But Sora, it's got green on it.

Sora: What's wrong with green?

Riku: It's on that shirt.

Sora: Yes, and?

Riku: It's green.

Sora: What's your point?

Riku: Sora . . . it's green.

Sora: Fine. Try this one on instead.

Riku: But Sora . . .

Sora: What?!

Riku: . . . It's blue.

* * *

Shoes: I suppose this could go in clothes, but I figured that they deserve their own category. Riku is quite the shoe lover. He has many pairs, seemingly all the same but in different shades. Whatever.

Woman/Men/Me: It would be normal to say that Riku likes women, but that's not true. Well, not in a romantic way, anyway. As for men, I suppose he'd be more inclined to like them romantically, but he better not. I'm his main interest because he's my lover, and there better damn well be nobody else. Or I will kill him. I hope he knows that.

Sleeping: Like normal people, Riku needs his sleep. Not only to recharge, but to experience the simple pleasure of lying around and doing nothing. Riku can usual be found sleeping in his natural habitat: his bedroom.

Sex: Again, like most men, Riku enjoys sex. Whether thinking about it or actually performing it, a good portion of Riku's time is spent doing something sexual. And you know what, I'm ok with that.

Hanging Out: Riku loves to hang out. And I mean with his friends, you perverts. Whether lounging around playing videogames or driving around at two in the morning, Riku can usually be seen in groups of either two to about six people. It is unwise to approach Riku when he is involved in a social situation. Shame, despair, and the feeling of inferiority may be brought down upon your person.

The Power Rangers: A very interesting interest indeed. And when I say Power Rangers, I mean _the _Power Rangers. You know, the mighty morphin' ones. The originals. Riku has many toys and clothes that no longer fit him from this interest. Watching it as but wee children, Riku, Kairi, and myself would pretend to be the Power Rangers and play mindless games where Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie were our enemies. Ah, those were simpler times. Riku still admits to liking the Power Rangers to this day, but will forever deny that he loved Pokémon.

That's about it for Riku's interests. While there are still others, those are the main ones. Now, let's put your new-found skills of knowing Riku's interests to use.

The best way to approach a Riku would be a time when he was alone or in the company of people he doesn't care much for. Then, strike up a conversation with him including one of the interests mentioned.

* * *

**For Example**:

You: Hello Riku. Fine day we're having, isn't it?

-If he agrees with you, then you're safe to continue the conversation. If he disagrees, then get out of there as fast as you can. He may be liable to strike if he feels threatened. Let's go with option 1.

Riku: Yes. It is quite nice.

You: You know, this reminds me of a football field I was once standing on . . .

-And now you're free to continue.

* * *

And if everything goes well, you will have succeeded in talking to Riku. Congratulations!

Riku's Hobbies:

While similar to his interests, Riku's hobbies involve a bit more on his part other than merely "enjoying" something. Thus, we will now explore the various hobbies of Riku.

Talking About Sex: In direct relation to Riku's interest in sex, it only makes sense that he should want to talk about it, much to the discomfort of some people. Unafraid to relate his thoughts on the matter, Riku has been known to make even the most sexually disturbed person look down in embarrassment. A powerful weapon in dissuading his enemies, Riku can use this greatly to his advantage. But we'll discuss more about that in the "Riku's Various Weapons and Tools" section.

Working Out: It takes work keeping that body in shape. But Riku enjoys it. It is unknown whether Riku works out simply for his health or for the compliments he receives from both sexes, but one would be lead to believe both reasons.

Showering: Besides merely getting clean, a shower is a nice way of showing off his body again. Currently, Riku takes about two showers a day, which is less than some, but more than others. Riku takes short, hot showers so that when he gets out he can have a steam effect as he waves his wet hair around. As annoying as I think this is, it is also, as you could imagine, quite sexy.

* * *

**Scene 3**:

Sora is waiting patiently to take a shower. Hearing Riku calling him, Sora opens the door to the bathroom. A few flutes are playing soft, but fast in the background. When Sora steps in the bathroom, a great gust of steam flies out at him. Squinting to try and see through the mist, Sora can barely make out the figure of person. A saxophone starts playing a slow melody at this time. Riku steps out from the steamy mist and waves his hair around causing it to stick partially to his face, neck, and shoulders. Trumpets start playing a fanfare of greatness, and a huge spark of light grows around Riku. With water dripping down his body, Riku opens his eyes slowly and stares at Sora. "Hey," he says seductively, "Could you get me a towel?" Sora faints and the instruments will be interrupted by a guitar wailing loudly as the scene fades out.

* * *

Singing: Now, Riku doesn't have a wonderful voice. It's not bad, but it's not drop dead excellent either. He merely sings for the fun of it. But he does so quite often; thus, I consider that to be a hobby. Anyway, Riku is most commonly found singing in the shower, car, when he's hanging out, when he working out, when he's bored, or when he wants to be annoying.

He knows the words to many songs, and he even sings the ones he doesn't. Which is fine sometimes. Depends on the song, really.

And those are a few of Riku's hobbies. If I told you all of them, we'd be here forever. Thus, I gave you a few. Now, go out there and relate to him.

This now concludes the chapter on Riku's interests and hobbies. Knowing these can give you a better idea on what to talk to Riku about if you ever cross his path or what you should get him for his birthday. A good idea would be to just get him that Shakira CD and address it as anonymous so he can get angry all he wants in front of people, but enjoy alone. He'll thank you for it. Secretly.

Now that you know what Riku is and what he likes, the next chapter will deal with things he dislikes. Thus, you can evaluate if you have anything in common or if you're meant to be sworn enemies. Also, the next chapter will deal a bit with how to calm an enraged Riku. So, keep an eye out for that. Thank you.

--------- End of Chapter Two ---------

A/N: Well, that concludes chapter two. Yay! I hoped you enjoyed it. Once again, you know what will be in store for the next chapter. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and thank you so much for reading.


	3. What Riku Hates

A/N: Hammer of Zeus! It sure took me awhile to get this chapter out, didn't it! I am so sorry about that! Anyway, are you pumped to learn about what Riku hates?! I hope so, cause that's all this chapter is about. Not much love going around, I'm afraid. Anyway, there are much more examples and various little scenes scattered throughout this one. So, that's pretty exciting! Enjoy!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

Ah, hate. A natural human emotion, and one that Riku is quite capable of. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, but he does have the capacity to feel disdain and animosity toward others. In this section, I will be informing you on the various things Riku hates. Also, you will learn how to calm an enraged Riku if you should ever have the misfortune of coming across one.

The Various Hates of Riku

Cats: Yes, you heard me. Riku is quite the hater of the felines. And not just the grown up, lazy cats, but those cute, bubbly, little kittens. However, I suppose he does have his reasons for hating kitties, even if they're rather absurd.

**

* * *

**

**Scene 1:**

Riku is sitting idly at his computer. Clicking mindlessly onto random pages on the internet, Riku decides, for some strange reason, that he'd really love to look up kitties in the Google image search. A guitar can be heard playing in the distance. It gets faster as Riku scrolls through the various pictures of kitties and such. Suddenly, the camera goes to a close-up on Riku's face. Pure horror over takes it. The guitar screeches loudly as the screen pans around to show us . . . a cyclopes cat named Cy! The camera shifts quickly back to Riku as he lets out a girlish wail and faints to the floor. The guitar fades out into a slow requiem for the fallen Riku.

* * *

**Scene 2:**

It's the middle of the night. A violin is playing softly in the distance as Riku wakes up from his bed. Stretching, he realizes that he really needs to take a tinkle. Climbing out of bed quietly, Riku scratches his stomach groggily as he makes his way toward the bathroom. The violin begins playing a bit faster. Turning on the light and shutting the door behind him, Riku makes his way to the toilet. And just as he is about to relieve himself, the violin stops and a small, "Mew," sound can be heard from somewhere off to Riku's right. Halting his actions, Riku looks toward the source of the sound. When his eyes lock with the cat's, the room is completely silent. Then, out of nowhere, the kitty totally goes ballistic and hisses a hiss of Hellish proportions directly at Riku. The violin starts playing an extremely fast and loud tremolo as Riku jumps in fright onto the toilet and screams. The scene fades to black as Riku's cries mix with the violin to create a symphony of terror.

* * *

Being Outdone/Beaten/Not Coming in First: But who really likes being beaten? Am I right or what? Anyway, Riku takes it to a new extreme. Playing video games with him is not recommended for this very reason. He'll cuss, throw things, insult you and your family, pull hair, twist ankles, bite, punch/kick, and proclaim that you possess a "cheat button." I've experienced most of these first hand, but all of them have been directed at Tidus in the past. Consequently, if any one of us plays a game with Riku, we either don't try very hard or we go in with no prior experience.

Of course, he only acts like this in the presence of people he considers friends. If he were around strangers and had been outdone, it becomes a severely dubbed down version of the freak out I mentioned above. For example, say Riku was at football practice. He throws this awesome throw. I mean, it's so awesome that people driving down the street forget what they're doing and just watch the ball soar through the air until they crash or something. The team congratulates them, but then one of his good buddies on the team throws an even better pass. Now, with the whole team cheering for the other guy, Riku will walk up to his "friend" and say, "Good job, Pal!" with one eye slightly twitching. Grabbing the other dude's hand to shake it, Riku will then proceed to squeeze the heck out of it until the guy freaks out and stares at Riku incredulously. Looking at him, Riku will twist his smile up evilly and whisper, "You wanna try that again, punk?!" Obviously, the guy says no, and Riku fumes in silence, forever plotting that guy's demise.

Liars: Again, who doesn't hate a liar? But Riku makes a point of shunning liars, so all liars in the potential running for Riku's affectionate friendship better step down now.

If, for some reason, you feel the need to lie to Riku. Don't. It's really not smart. Riku can usually be found shunning, cursing, and showing outward disgust for liars. The occasional little white lie doesn't seem to affect him, but a big lie that cascades down into being deceitful, hurtful, etc. are the deadly ones.

* * *

**Did you know?**

Riku color codes his underwear.

* * *

Cheaters: Even though you may not be cheating off of him, Riku finds cheating to be a very low thing to do. In fact, it usually puts him into quite a rage. Even the occasional peek on a test will cause him to punch you right in the face. Hard.

* * *

**Scene 3:**

Riku is sitting in English taking a test on Hamlet. Looking up from his desk to check the time, he notices that two of his classmates are sitting awfully close together. His suspicion of cheating is confirmed when he sees one of the students slipping his test over to the other student. Enraged, Riku bursts out of his chair and grabs the two kids by their hair. Dragging them out of the classroom while the teacher protests, Riku stops in the middle of the hallway and cracks the two heads together violently. Riku than says, "Cheatin' ain't coo', yo!" and walks back into the classroom. Stunned, the two boys lay seemingly lifeless in the hallway as Riku makes his way back to his seat and finishes the test.

* * *

Dance Dance Revolution: The reason: because he can't do it. The steps frustrate him, his feet don't flow with the timing, and he hates the music in it. Oh well, poor Riku. He'll watch people play it, but he chooses to keep a good distance from the mat at all times.

* * *

**Scene 4:**

Riku is playing DDRMax2. Sora and Kairi are watching him take his turn. Both are chatting happily about how well they did on Heavy mode. Riku, determined not to be beaten, tries dancing to some psychotically fast song on Heavy mode as well. As the song starts, it seems like Riku will be able to make it. However, the steps start cascading down the screen in wild patterns and colors. Riku, visibly sweating, tries desperately to keep up, but tragedy strikes. One foot gets caught behind the other and Riku starts falling to the ground. In slow motion of course. Hitting the ground, Riku lies limply on the floor as the camera zooms out, and the words "Game Over" drip down onto the screen.

* * *

Obvious Plot Lines: When Riku can tell what's going to happen before it does, he hates it. A lot. Sitting through a movie where he predicts everything is amazing and annoying at the same time. Seeming to think that the movie/book/show doesn't realize it's own story, Riku will narrate it in anger and scorn.

Lovers of Power Rangers who never loved the Mighty Morphin' ones first: Whoo, that's a mouthful . . . oh, you people are so perverted! Anyway, Riku loved those original Power Rangers so much that if you so much as say you love the Power Rangers but never saw the originals, he will kill you. Frightening, yes. Effective . . . yes!

Slow Drivers: When Riku got his licence, he was so ecstatic. When he realized that he had to share the road . . . well, things got a bit more tricky. Constantly going at least five miles over the speed limit, Riku will threateningly cuss you out if you happen to drive at exactly the speed limit or only two to three notches higher. Also, if you speed up to pass him and then go absurdly slow when you get in front of him (without turning on your blinker), he will freak out and possibly follow you in a desperate rage. I can tell you right now, it's horrifying.

Also, if Riku happens to be at the beginning of the lane at a red light, he will challenge people all around him even though they are unaware. So, when the light goes green, he hits the gas with all his might and goes speeding down the street in a victory he proclaimed only for himself.

* * *

**Scene 5:**

Riku and Sora are chatting about something. Laughing, Riku notices out of the corner of his eye that someone is speeding up. A drum pounds quickly in the background, and Riku speeds up as well. However, the person got the upper hand before Riku had a chance to really accelerate and turns quickly in front of him without turning on their blinkers. Anger rising, Riku screams, "You Goddamn son of a _BITCH_!! How DARE you move in front of me! Oh, and now you're driving slow, are you!! Well, (beep) you, you mother (beep)en son of a (beep)! I hope you die and rot in Hell you rotten piece of (beep)! You (beep) (beep) (beep)en (beep)!!" The drum pounds violently as Riku continues his verbal assault as Sora whimpers from the front the seat in fear.

* * *

Trying On Clothes: See, I just don't understand this one. The boy likes clothes, but he hates shopping for them and trying them on. While he detests it so, Riku can spend many hours going in and out of dressing rooms and trying various things on.

* * *

**Scene 6:**

Sora: Well, let me see!

Riku: No, it looks hideous!

Sora: Oh, pish. I'm sure it doesn't! Nothing looks hideous on you, sexy!"

Riku: . . . . . . Hm, all right.

Sora: See! It looks great!

Riku: No! I hate it!

Sora: Riku it's fine.

Riku: No, don't look at me!!

Sora: Riku calm –

Riku: AHHH! No, you don't have to touch me Sora!! (The Phantom of the Opera starts playing)

Sora: Oi . . .

* * *

People Too Smart For Their Own Good: Being smart is one thing, being too smart is another. Not that Riku hates nerds or anything, he merely detests it when people go on and on about a great quantum psychics problem they solved, but when they have to actually interact with people, their skills become limited and they insult you because you're "not as highly brain powered" as them. So, I guess he hates really nerdy nerds. Whatever.

Annoying Habits: Riku expresses his anger for people with annoying habits by calling them out and kicking them hard. But I exaggerate. He claims he'll do these things, but, in these cases, he'll merely gnash his teeth and complain about it later. Such habits could include, but are not limited to: sniffing every three seconds, coughing at regular intervals, drumming fingers obnoxiously, and sipping disturbingly from a water thermos.

* * *

**Scene 7**:

Riku is sitting in serenity. A cool breeze comes through the open window of the classroom he is sitting in. However, the peace is broken when Riku hears a disgusting sipping/slurping sound coming from somewhere in front of him. Glancing up, Riku sees one of his fellow classmates drinking slowly from his thermos top. Growling in anger, Riku watches the boy's fish like lips come together to form an "o" shape as he lifts the drink to his mouth. As the boy reaches his mouth with the thermos, a "sip, sip, siiiipah" sound can be heard, and Riku grips the bottom of his chair hard. Ignoring the boy's annoying habit, Riku gazes dramatically behind him and whispers, "Why God?!"

* * *

**Did You Know?**

Riku still plays Pokémon: The Yellow Pikachu Edition on his Special Pokémon Edition Gameboy Color.

* * *

Well, now you know some of Riku's hates. As always, he's got a few more, but we're gonna keep it at that. So, say you're chatting it up with Riku and you say something to anger him. Well, the best thing to do would be to pray for a quick death, but let's go for the option where you actually quell his anger.

Dealing with an angry Riku

Ok, a few things to know:

1.) Never look him directly in the eyes. This may cause him reason to believe that you want a challenge.

2.) Don't raise your voice. It only serves to anger him further.

3.) Don't make any sudden movements. The best thing to do would be to stay as far from him as you can and move slowly.

4.) Showing fear is a weakness. He will use this to his advantage.

5.) Stay calm! It's really the best thing to do.

And now that you know all that, let's present a potentially real life situation as an example:

* * *

**The Test:**

You and Riku are having a swell time. You've managed to properly engage him in a conversation, and he is willing to accept your friendship.

Uh-oh. Now you've said something that he isn't too fond of. What do you do?!

Let's say Riku asked you if you liked his new shoes to which you replied, "I don't really like the color, but otherwise they're pretty cool." Noticing that this did not sit well with him, you quickly remember the tips mentioned above and use them to your advantage.

Staying calm, you say, "But, I only say that because I could never pull that color off. I was jealous at your ability to sport such fancy footwear with such style. I'm terribly sorry. I was differently in the wrong."

And, assuming he accepts your apology, you did it! You passed the test of calming a Riku! However, if he doesn't buy it on the first plea, just keep kissing his butt until he accepts it.

* * *

This now concludes the entire section on What is a Riku? You now have the ability to determine what makes him happy/excited and what disgusts/appalls/frightens him to no end. In the next section, I will read to you letters I have received from numerous people asking questions on Riku. And, of course, I will provide sufficient answers for all of them. Thank you.

--------- End of Chapter Three ---------

A/N: Wasn't that informative?! You bet your sweet behind it was! Anyway, I have a few letters in mind for the next chapter, but if you have any questions about Riku that you'd like me to answer, well, send them in! I'd really love that, actually! The only letters I won't answer are ones that I deem to be too inappropriate. But, seriously, send them in and have your questions answered! Oh, and that whole Google image search thing . . . well, it's completely true. Right down to the cat's name even. It was quite a horrible thing stumbling across that, and the scene I experienced unfolded much like Riku's did. Except I didn't faint out of my chair. And the reference to the slurping kid who doesn't know how to drink correctly also comes from personal experience. That kid doesn't have a clue that I detest him, but I do. Very much so. Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for reading!


	4. Questions For Sora About Riku

A/N: Oh my goodness! How long has it been?! Well, sorry for the wait, but here it is! Chapter 4! In this chapter, Sora will answer mail from various people wishing to know things about Riku! Enjoy!!

- - - A special thanks goes out to mr. bauer, Anonnie Mouse, and Inspirationaldreamer for sending in questions. You guys rock!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

I get many letters asking me various questions about Riku. Some of them are very relevant, and others are just a bunch of crap. Regardless, today I'm gonna answer a few of these questions. Stick around and you may learn something you didn't know about Riku.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

Why is Riku such an asshole? And why must he constantly kick my butt while playing video games?

- Tidus

—

That's a very easy question to answer Tidus. I'm gonna start with your second question first. Why does Riku kick your butt when you two are playing video games? Uh, maybe because he's better than you. You know, like, he has more skill with his fingers (and boy does he!) and better strategies. Or maybe you're just terrible at video games. The alternative would be that you're too scared to beat him considering he might rip out your heart and eat it in front of you if he lost. But I'm just putting that out there.

As for your first question, I'm not sure what you mean. Riku has never been an "asshole" to me. It must just be to you. You probably angered him in some way that I'm sure you deserved. And I have a question for you, Tidus: What does it really mean to be an asshole? Think about that next time before you go calling someone an "asshole."

* * *

Sora, 

I'm perturbed with Riku's appearance. He is beginning to look too much like me. I want to know if he's some sort of creepy "fan girl" or, seriously, a clone. I dismissed the thought of him being my son a long time ago, so please think carefully before answering this.

- Sephiroth

—

Well, Sephiroth, that is a tough one. How am I suppose to know why people resemble other people? Riku has never talked about you, and I've never seen any pictures of you hanging in his room. That said, he may have some that are hidden. But . . . I doubt that. So, feel confident when I say you can dismiss the though of him being your "fan girl." I suppose he might be a clone, but I'm not into the whole science thing. I don't think he is, though, but I've been wrong before.

However, I'm aware that your hair and eye color are the same as his, but I think you may be getting a little ahead of yourself. Let him grow up for a few more years, see what he looks like, and, if he still looks like you, contact me again.

* * *

Hey Sora! 

I was wondering if Riku would like to go on a date with me?!

- Selphie

—

No. He would hate that. You disgust him.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

Hey, Bruddah! I have a question, ya. Okay, Riku lives on an island and has no tan whatsoever. How can this be??!!

-Wakka

—

Well, Wakka, I already expressed my thoughts on that. I find it terrifying that he doesn't tan. And considering he sits on that tree all day facing out toward the sun which would easily reflect off the water all around him creating a perfect atmosphere for getting tanned/sunburnt, it is a mystery.

My only answer for you would be that he applies sun screen more than he should. Maybe he cakes it on or something. Of course, I've never seen him do that, so maybe he's just incapable of tanning or becoming burnt. Sadly, that is a question that will probably never have an answer.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

How come Riku isn't as cool as Harry Potter?

- Zexion

—

Hmmm, I suppose this one comes down to a matter of opinion. See, I think Riku is butt loads cooler than Harry Potter. I find it mind boggling that you could even assume otherwise. Of course, you are a book nerd who could only find comfort in reading about the lives of other nerds, I suppose. And, while believing that Harry is cool for being his nerdy self, you believe that all nerds are cool. Then, when you come against a Malfoy figure (which would be Riku in this case) who is cunning and a bit more popular, you get defensive and rely on your thoughts to comfort you.

Thus, it is impossible for Harry Potter to be cooler than Riku. If you still have a problem with this, meet me tonight by that three that grows all crooked like. You know the one.

* * *

Sora, 

How come Riku gave up the power of darkness? I thought it was working so well for him! And I'm not happy that he tossed me aside like I was nothing! What about all those times we shared? What about my feelings?!?!

- Ansem (or Xehanort's heartless . . . whatever)

—

Uh . . . wow. That's some emotion you got flowing there. Anyway, Riku gave up the power of darkness because it sucked. I mean, being able to teleport anywhere just by making a portal with your hand, shooting dark blasts of evil energy, flying/zipping around everywhere, and getting cool new duds is really lame . . . . . . hmm. You know, I'm kinda wondering why he gave it up myself? But he's better for it. So, butt out, Freak.

And do you know why he tossed you to the side? It's because you were _**using**_ him! That's not fun for anyone! I mean, you were all, "Hu hu hu, this ignorant little boy used the power of darkness 'cause he's a n00b. Gawd, he's so dumb. I totally used his body for my own twisted purposes. Dur dur dur!!" I mean, that's not a direct quote or anything, but it's pretty damn near close.

And about all those times you shared, I'm sure Riku didn't enjoy them at all. What about your feelings? _What about his feeling?!_ I should really get Chris Hanson to come and arrest you or something. Besides, Riku hates you more than the rest of us, so there.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

I noticed Riku's hair bears a very tiny slight resemblance to mine. Why is that?

- Marluxia

—

You know, I could say my hair bears a very tiny slight resemblance to Riku's hair too. Cause, you know, we both have bangs, so there's definitely something going on (sarcasm). I suppose it does fall the way yours does, but there are tons of other people in the world who have similar hair styles. Really, you're taking this to a degree far greater than need be.

But to answer your question: because it grew that way.

* * *

Sora, 

Why are you doing this?

- Riku

—

Well, Riku, I'm doing this because your dear fans want to know more about you. And it's very fun. Thanks for the question!

* * *

Dear Sora, 

1. What else does Riku do in his spare time?  
2. How often does he practice his sword fighting?  
3. Does Riku like any kind of animal?

- mr. bauer

—

What else does Riku do? Well, besides the things I mentioned, he does random things here and there. I suppose I should say he likes to read every now and again. And, once a month, he sits down and watches _Remember the Titans_. It's quite a sight, too, cause he gets emotional every time. He also likes to download fancy new ring tones for his phone. I don't know what he does with them all, but I have a theory that he flips randomly through the phone book and adds numbers just for the sake of using the ring tone for a specific person. And he does other stuff, but who doesn't, you know?

Ah, sword fighting. Well, it really depends with him. Sadly, he doesn't set up a schedule, so he just goes off and does it randomly. Usually, however, he takes about an hour out of every few days to do so. If he misses a day, which he does often, he makes it up by practicing for three hours the next day. I tell him it's overkill, but whatever. He likes to waver the time also, so you never really know how long he's gone. One time, I swore he was only gone for five minutes. And when I asked him about it, he was all, "No way. I was out there for five hours." So, I don't know. It varies.

Obviously you're aware that Riku hates cats. But I suppose a lot of people do too. Anyway, he's not the biggest animal fan, but he does like dogs. Mainly, I think it's to spite the kitten population, but he could be genuine. He also likes pandas.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

What is Riku's opinion on hairdye?

- Anonnie Mouse

—

Oh, there is a funny story behind this! When we were younger, Riku thought it'd be cool to dye his hair a bright red color. Why, I don't know. But anyway, we got our parents to buy the dye and then we went into his bathroom to dye it. All was going pretty smooth and Riku told me to just add the whole bottle so that his hair would be really red. So, I did. After that, Riku decided he was going to take a shower just to wash out the extra color. Sitting in the living room, I heard a blood curdling scream. Leaping up, I raced over to the bathroom.

When I flung the bathroom door open, I noticed Riku standing there staring with horror into the mirror. Not registering what was wrong, I looked with him in the mirror. Perhaps he had a tumor growing out of his face? But that's when I noticed it: Riku's hair was a very vibrant shade of pink.

I tried to hold back my laughter as best I could, but it was so pink! Angry, Riku stomped out of the bathroom and locked himself in his bedroom. Oh, it was so funny! It only took a few days to wash completely out.

To answer your question, Riku hates hairdye. He doesn't mind it if it's on someone else, but he hisses at people who try to dye his hair.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

If two trains were leaving New York at the same time, one at 35 miles an hour and the other 12, would Riku still be able to answer this question even though it's two in the morning?

- Inspirationaldreamer

—

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Inspirationaldreamer, but without a destination, how can the question be answered? Did they leave New York to run into each other, or are they heading for a certain place? Oh well, maybe I'm just retarded. Let's ask Riku!!!

**Asking Riku**

Sora: Riku, I got a question for you!

Riku: Wha – ? It's like, two in the morning . . .

Sora: I know, but it's really important!

Riku: Mehhh, uhh . . . whatever.

Sora: If two trains were leaving New York at the same time, one at 35 miles an hour and the other 12, would you still be able to answer this question even though it's two in the morning?

Riku: Uhhhhh . . . . . . . . . uh, I don't – uh, what?

Sora: Stay with me here.

Riku: Uh . . . cow.

**Fin**

Well, I suppose that's Riku's answer. I hope it's the right one!

* * *

Hey Sora, 

Would Riku classify himself as more of a jock or a prep?

- Kairi

—

That's an interesting question, Kairi. But being his friend, I would really think you'd know the answer. Shame, shame. But maybe you have your own opinion. I'll give you mine. While Riku dresses seemingly like one would assume to be prepish, I suppose the jocks dress almost identical. Hmm, intriguing. But then you must look at the fact that he plays football, an international sign of jockatude. Usually, preppy boys don't play sports, so I'm gonna have to say that he's a jock. Plus, he works out . . . and that's rather jockish in itself.

As for Riku classifying himself, I don't know what he'd pick. He'd probably say he's about as perfect as the Urban Renaissance man. Thus, you're just going to have to go off of what I think. And I think he's just a cuddly little jock.

* * *

Dearest Sora, 

Does Riku like card tricks?

- Luxord

—

I suppose if they're good. I know you know many interesting card tricks, but I don't know for sure about Riku. He knows how to play cards, but I'm sure he could appreciate a good trick. Uh, thanks for that question. It sure was . . . weird.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

Why does Riku spell his name with only one "k"? Two is always better than one!

- Rikku

—

This is another of those matter of opinion questions. Personally, I think that only one "k" makes the name Riku look more manly than Rikku. I suppose he does it for that reason. Or, you know, his parents spelled it that way. And, like, that's how it goes. And two isn't necessarily better than one! What if you suddenly grew another mouth? Yeah, I thought so.

* * *

Dear Sora, 

If Riku had a Nobody, what would his name be?

- Roxas

—

That is a very intriguing question, Roxas! Hmm, well let's see. We could have: Ruxik, Kuxir, Xikur, Xurik, Ixkur, Kurix, Uxrik, and tons of other nonsensical things.

* * *

I think, personally, that his Nobody's name would have to be either Ruxik or Kuxir. Just because they sound the most normal. But let's hope he never gets a Nobody, because a lot of those sound too strange to be cool. 

And that's it for all the questions! Of course, those were just a few of the thousands that come in everyday. If you still have questions about Riku that you'd like me to answer, go ahead and send them in. I'll dedicate a whole chapter to answering questions again down the line. But first, don't you want to know about Riku's various fighting styles and weaponry? Yeah, I thought so! Well, your prayers will be answered in the next chapter where I will give you an account of all of that! Thank you.

--------- End of Chapter Four ---------

A/N: Well, wasn't that exciting?! That's what I thought. If there's another question you'd like to have answered, Sora will answer it in another chapter dedicated to answering questions about Riku. But enough about that. I made a reference to Chris Hanson in this chapter. And if you've never watched _To Catch A Predator_, then I'm sure it made no sense. But Chris Hanson is a guy on Dateline who exposes pedophiles in the act of coming over to a young child's house after receiving various emails from the pedofile to the "child". The "children" are really actors who just look young. I think the show's hilarious. Watch it if you get the time.

Also, I don't hate Harry Potter. I know I made fun of him being a wimpy nerd (consequently, I insulted Zexion as well) but it's all in good fun. I love both Harry Potter and Zexion. So, there you go.

Again, a special thanks goes out again to mr. bauer, Anonnie Mouse, and Inspirationaldreamer for sending in questions. And thank you so much for reading! Reviews are awesome! Just like you guys!!


	5. Riku's Various Weapons and Styles

A/N: Sorry it's been so long, everybody, but today's a very special day for me! Today is the anniversary of my first year with this site! Oh yes I'm excited!! But why did it take so long, you ask? Well, it's because I decided to update every one of my ongoing stories for the big day! Plus, I added a whole new one shot! Anyway, read and enjoy!!

-- A big thanks goes out to jediempress for the request. What was that request? Don't worry! Read the chapter and you'll find out!

--- I would also like to give a little shout out to a good friend of mine. mr. bauer has written a wonderful story that I'd suggest checking out! It's called _KND: Operation ANDERSON_.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

So, now you're all interested in how Riku's going to kick your ass, huh? Hahaha, no . . . I am surely joking. For some of you anyway. I bet there's a couple of you out there that would try to take Riku on in act of defiance, or what I like to call stupidity. I mean, sure I did it, but I'm the Keyblade Master for crying out loud! And besides, our friendship is stronger than the winds of Xaldin's lances, more fiery than the fires of Axel's chakram's, mightier than the blows dealt by Saïx's claymore, and – well, you get the idea.

In this chapter, we'll deal with Riku's various weapons, fighting styles, and everything else associated with the like. After gaining an understanding of this, you will then know if Riku's merely messin' with ya, or if you should get the holy hell outta there.

* * *

**Riku's Fighting Styles**

This section will deal with some of Riku's fighting styles. Some will seem reasonable enough while others will just seem stupid. Oh well, they ain't mine.

* * *

**Royal Ass Whoppin':**

Riku's basic style. It's a culmination of many different styles and cheat moves. Truthfully, it can be quite effective. But, of course, he mainly uses this when he is toying with an enemy or just being a jerk. This is the style he uses against Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and myself.

Cockiness is key to this style, so if he ever starts calling you out while giving you a cheeky grin, don't be intimidated and just beat the crap out of him. Heh, like it's even possible.

**Yoga:**

I can feel the shock on your faces. But, yes, even Riku divulges in a bit of yoga. Of course, he's not really all that flexible, so he sticks to the simple stuff. Like breathing exercises.

Most people would not consider this as a fighting style, but Riku uses this to trick his opponents into a false sense of security and then BAM! He's hit you in the mouth. It's pretty sweet, I must admit.

This style works well on impatient people, jerks, yoga haters, and Tidus.

* * *

**Riku Gets A Telephone Call:**

Riku: Hello?

Tidus: Hey Riku! You wanna come train with me?

Riku: Sorry, I'm practicing my yoga right now.

Tidus: Yoga? Hahahahaha!! Riku, that's so girly of you!

Riku: …

Tidus: Hey, Riku? Where are you?

Riku: …

Tidus: Sorry, I didn't mean to – hey Riku! When'd you get here? Hey, I thought the door was locked. Why are you carrying that board with a jagged, rusty nail in it? Why are you raising it over your head? Why are you looking at me that way?! Why – AHHHHH!! My spleen!!!

* * *

**Darkness Style:**

This little style is something he picked up in his little "emo" days. That's right, I called him an emo. But anyway, this style is particularly vicious considering it uses dark powers and various other techniques. However, it did give the ability to allow the user to create nifty dark portals. Talk about saving on gas!

Hmmm, that's an interesting point I just made. I'll share it with you before I continue.

* * *

**Sora's Interesting Point!**

So, people who use the darkness to transport various places don't have to pay a cent in the way of gas money. Nor must they suffer long lines, slow people, and wrecks. And, as an additional bonus, these people aren't using anything to deplete the ozone layer.

Now, traditionally, darkness has been thought to be solely evil. But is darkness really all that evil? I mean, think about it. Say a mean thing here, cut someone's arm off there and still not pay anything for transportation and you'd get there faster in the long run?! Sounds pretty sweet to me.

So, to summarize, I think it'd be better if everyone became slightly evil and indulged the power of darkness every once and a while. It would save on gas, money, and annoying environmental groups striving to save things they just can't anymore. But, it's just a thought. But what an interesting point!

* * *

Anyway, the Darkness Style also places emphasis on being as sneaky and conniving as possible. This includes, but is not limited to: telling someone they look fat when they don't, giving a mega wedgy, slapping people in the face, and spitting on kittens. It's a truly awful style that Riku doesn't (can't) use anymore.

**Charm:**

Merely a cover, Riku can use this fighting style very well. Insulting to get bested by, the defeated usually hide in shame for many moons in hopes no one will remember their pitiful loss.

This style usually employs all the spunk, charisma, and style that Riku has, so if he's tired, it doesn't work well. He usually starts by swinging his hair a little, giving a grand smile, and putting one hand on his hip while the other rests calmly to the side. He then usually looks at the target, says something charming, and kicks them in the place where the sun don't shine. Multiple times.

**Feigned Stupidity:**

This style is only used in a school setting. Riku will employ this technique against his teachers if he didn't read the required reading, finish his homework, or just don't want to talk to no one, yo.

Not very effective, it serves to enrage the teachers and causes students to wonder, "Maybe he really is mentally retarded …"

* * *

**Scene 1:**

Riku is sitting in school. A guitar strums quietly in the background. Then, when class starts, the teacher decides to ask everyone a question about the reading of _Hamlet_ that everyone was supposed to have read the night before.

Frantic, Riku turns to Sora and asks, "Hey Sora! You need to tell me something! Anything!" The guitar starts getting louder as the camera pans around to show Riku's eyes full of desperation. "You didn't read!" Sora squeaks as the camera pans around to show Sora's eyes full of pity. The guitar stops. Then the camera turns back to Riku who shakes his head slowly.

The guitar screeches as the camera pans back to Sora. Terror etched on his face. "Ah, mister Riku," the teacher says noticing the chaos unfolding, "How about you start."

"To be or not to be! That is the question! For I am the east and Juliet is the sun! Oh, sweet dagger! Let me die!! His head resembles that of an ass! Out, out damned spot!! ET TU, BRUTE!!!"

And with that, Riku falls on the floor and lays silently. The rest of the class, the teacher included, look on. The outburst casting an eery silence about the room.

* * *

**Karate:**

Now, Riku's not too good at this style. He only uses this when he wants to pretend he's a big martial artist. Which, thankfully, is not often.

I recommended him taking classes, but he merely laughed and said, "Oh, young grasshopper. The hand must catch the fly!" and walked off. I gave up trying to persuade him and decided that if he does that in public then he will be the idiot, not me.

**300 (Spartan Style):**

Ever since Riku saw the movie 300, he's been fascinated with the Spartan way of fighting. Though it doesn't work well for him considering he's just one man, he likes to take on the role of King Leonidas and fight loudly, violently, and bloody.

He mostly uses this style when he feeling crazy or seriously angry/offended.

* * *

**Scene 2:**

A little game of war is being raged against Team Riku Delta Squad B-5 (Members: Riku, Sora, and Kairi) and Team Not As Cool As T.R.D.S.B-5 (Members: Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie). A drum pounds steadily in the distance.

Riku: Alright men . . . let's make it happen. Kairi! What happened to your eye?!?!

Kairi: What? Nothing. I'm fine, I –

Riku: It's a good thing God sought fit to spare you with another.

Kairi: . . . Sure.

Riku: You're the only one who can tell our story! GO!!!

Kairi: Yeah, whatever. Have fun, Sora.

Sora: (Whimper)

Tidus: Come on guys! Stop hiding already!!

Riku: Eat hearty, Sora. For tonight we dine in Hell! (Kisses Sora deeply)

Sora: Uh . . .thanks?

Riku: My helmet is stifling; it narrowed my vision and I must see far. (Takes off random invisible helmet)

Tidus: Ugh, not this again!

Riku: My shield is heavy; it threw off my balance and my target is far away. (Drops invisible shield)

Wakka: Ah, here we go, ya.

Selphie: Wonder who he'll throw the wooden sword at this time.

Riku: TIDUS! DIE!!

The wooden sword hits Tidus in the face as Selphie and Wakka throw their weapons weakly at Riku. Getting hit by them, Riku falls to his knees. An immaculate chorus rings out in the carnage.

Riku: My Sora. My Wife. My Love. Be strong. Good Bye!

Riku falls to the ground and lays with his eyes staring into nothingness.

Tidus: I'm never doing this again!

The chorus fades out as the camera pans out across the sky.

* * *

**Riku's Various Weaponry**

This section will deal with the various tools used by Riku in battle.

* * *

**Soul Eater:**

Ah, a classic. This is Riku's real first weapon. Modeled off a bat's wing or something, not only is this weapon strange looking, but it's got really pointy ends! And, like, if you get hit by one, expect the others.

The name's not very pleasant either. However, Riku has upgraded from this weapon and went onto the more advanced one: Way To Dawn.

**Way To Dawn:**

Riku's super cool (sarcasm) new keyblade of sorts. It resembles his Soul Eater slightly, so you know he was just diggin' the bat wing look. However, it's got a very perturbing wing appendage on the tip of it. Seriously . . . ouchy!

This is his current weapon which he has sought fit to give an interesting name. I'm sure it symbolizes some big struggle in his life, but I just refer to my thing as a Keyblade for crying out loud. Even when I change the type, it's still just plain old keyblade. It's not like I call it "Jungle Fun Time" or "Boring Old Black & White." But, this really isn't about me.

* * *

**Riku and Ansem the Wise Have A Conversation:**

Riku: Hmm . . .

Ansem: What is it, Riku?

Riku: (Evil Glare)

Ansem: Sorry! I mean, "What is it, Ansem?"

Riku: Well, I got this cool new keyblade and I don't know what to call it.

Ansem: How about just The Keyblade?

Riku: Too boring. I was thinking on something along the lines of Darkness Ruins or A Sliver Of Light.

Ansem: I don't think it really –

Riku: I've got it! Way To Dawn! No, how about, The Way To Dawn! No, no! Way To The Dawn!

Ansem: Umm. The Way To Dawn seems more grammatically correct.

Riku: True, but I don't like "The." Way To Dawn it is!!! (Starts partying)

Ansem: Ugh . . .

* * *

**Dark Keyblade:**

The one with no name. This keyblade wasn't really a true keyblade in that it was formed from nonsensical means. And, when the darkness died in Riku, so did this "keyblade."

Kinda scary looking, this keyblade was only actually used in one fight and stabbed in two hearts. So, it got a little play, but no one really cares about this lame excuse of a weapon.

**Hair/Eyes/Smile:**

Don't worry. I mean the stuff growing out of his head and on his face. That'd be too strange if he had an actual weapon made of hair, eyes, and a smile. And disgusting to boot.

Not actually used in battle against another weapon, this "weapon" is mostly for disarming his enemies for a hasty retreat. How it works is that Riku will fling a little bit of hair out of his face showing his eyes. Giving a little wink, Riku will then proceed to flash an amazing smile at the target. This method is used primarily with his Charm fighting style.

Works well against women, unsuspecting enemies, and me.

**Wooden Sword:**

What he still spars with. Well, we don't want to scuff our nice weapons, now do we? Splintery and a tad too small, this usually doesn't serve to produce a decent spar at all.

Currently, this sword is used as a prop to hold up a small table that Riku bent the leg on a few days ago.

Now that you have a basic knowledge of Riku's fighting styles and weapons, let's see an example of how they may be used against you and how you could possibly stop him and live to see another day. Or at least die trying.

* * *

**Fighting Riku:**

- Let's say you did something to make Riku really angry with you. Like, I don't know, dissing his mama! Or something. So, anyway, you've got him good and pissed. What do you do now?

First: Determine his weapon. If he pulls out Soul Eater or Way To Dawn, then you're pretty much screwed. Anything else shouldn't make you too worried . . .yet.

Second: Determine his fighting style. If he employs the Royal Ass Whoppin' or Darkness styles, then you're in trouble. Especially the Darkness style. Get out of there while you can still have legs to take you somewhere.

Anything else, don't be concerned too much. For the time being, anyway.

Third: Look at his features. If he looks angry then he probably is. If he looks cocky, this is your safest bet in living. Hopefully, you got option number two. If not, God speed.

And Fourth: Try to beat the crap out of him. Be aware, though, that Riku is extremely fast, cunning, and semi-ruthless. And, since you really pissed him off, he'll be worse than usual. Try to employ something to soothe him or get the hell outta there.

- Well, that's it. I wish you the best. But, be aware, I'm always on Riku's side. Anyway, good luck, you brave, stupid fool!

* * *

Well, that's it for Riku's various fighting styles and weaponry! Your knowledge of everything that is Riku is really starting to come together! But don't get too cocky, you still got a ways to go. However, the next chapter will deal with some more fan questions! So, if you got one, send it my way! Thank you.

BUT FIRST! We got a little request from a fan! Yay!

Jediempress asks:

Okay, I've got a stupid question about Riku. Or rather request. Could he please knock Cloud out of that damned emo funk he's in! Riku's dealt with the darkness! Teach Cloud or something!

Okie-dokie, Jediempress! Riku will fulfill your request!!

* * *

**Knocking Cloud Out Of That**

**Damned Emo Funk!**

Cloud: . . .

Riku: Cloud. You're such an emo.

Cloud: (Sulk)

Riku: Oh, so that's the way you want to play. Well . . . (Smile)

Cloud: (Sadness)

Riku: (Joy)

Cloud: (Despair)

Riku: Oh yeah? (Complete Solitude, Absolute Happiness, and Cockiness Lvl. 4)

Cloud: Too … much … JOY!!! (Cracking smile)

Riku: That's it! You can do it!!

Cloud: (Supreme Happiness/Joy) Hey! Thanks Riku!

Riku: No problem, Cloud. And there you go, jediempress. Problem solved.

Riku and Cloud skip happily into the sunset.

--------- End of Chapter Five ---------

A/N: Wasn't that exciting?! The next chapter will be the last Q&A chapter for a while, so send in those questions if you got any! Oh, and I'm sorry for the overuse of 300 quotes and such, but I really enjoy that movie to a great extent. If you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend it. And for the overuse of Shakespear, but I do love him so. I'll be impressed if you know what line came from what play! Kudos if you did!!! Oh, and I'm aware that the lines spoken by Riku are not entirely correct. I know this and am ok with it. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are always appreciated!!


	6. Questions For Sora About Riku II

A/N: Sorry it's been so long everyone! I apologize every time too. Gotta stop that. Anywho, I hope the wait wasn't too excruciating and now you're ready to enjoy Sora's answers to your questions! Lordy, they were fun this time around!!!

--- Special thanks goes out to: RikuxTifa, Lunarkitty15, DiamondOblivion, mr. bauer, Riku's Heart, and Ranchdressing! Thanks so much for the awesome questions! They were so much fun to answer!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

Well, the questions just keep pouring in! Seriously, I'm practically swimming in all the questions I've been getting about Riku. Haven't you people been paying attention to what I've been saying?! Haha! Just kidding. I know that we've barely scratched the surface of what it is to be a Riku! Never fear, Sora's here! Let's answer some more questions, shall we?

* * *

Dear Sora,

Your answer last time sucked! I'm pretty pissed off that you'd embarrass me like that! And you know as well as I do that Riku is just a huge asshole to everyone!

Enraged,

- Tidus

---

Well, Tidus, I'm so sorry that you feel that way. But, please, can't you at least pretend to be civil? Really, it's rude enough being alive when nobody wants you.

* * *

Sora,

I wanted to know if young Riku knew why the rum is always gone.

Thank you much,

- Captain Jack Sparrow

---

Eeeee! Captain Jack Sparrow! Big fan! But, I'll keep my composure and answer your question. Why is the rum always gone? Hmm, I'm not sure if Riku knows that one. Let's ask him anyhow!

* * *

**Asking Riku!**

Sora: Hey Riku?

Riku: Yes, my sweet?

Sora: Why is the rum always gone?

Riku: Wha –? You drink rum?

Sora: No, I don't. But why is it gone?

Riku: Who's drinking it? It's Tidus, isn't it?!

Sora: No! Seriously, though, why is it gone?!

Riku: Cause someone . . . drank it?

Sora: Really?! Thanks!!

There you go, Mister Sparrow! Because someone drank it!!

* * *

Dearest Sora,

I was wondering: what would you do if you were searching the internet one day and found tons of explicit doujinshi that was Riku x Sora? Also, how would Riku react?

Thank you,

- Namine

---

Hmm, that is indeed a tricky one! I suppose I would probably stare in shock, double check it to make sure what I was seeing was correct, rub my eyes until I saw stars, and then look again.

Then, depending on how decent it was, I might just look at it. Or buy it. Hehehe! But, if I felt that Riku or I was being depicted in an intolerable way, I would stalk the artist down and burn them alive in the center of their "works of art".

As for Riku, he'd probably go straight for the really graphic ones then pull out the, "Oh man, I think I need to go lie down!" card and rush straight into his room. There he would most likely … well, you know. And if you don't, then run and be free young virgin ears!

* * *

Hey I got a question,

Would Riku ever want to go out with Tifa? And what would be Riku's alternative to the date? (if he said yes)

- RikuxTifa

---

Well RikuxTifa, while I don't agree with your name, I will gladly answer your question. I don't foresee Riku ever wanting to date Tifa. Not merely because she's a woman or because he barely knows her, but he has _me_. How much luckier can he get?! Not much.

However, let's say he did decide to go out with Tifa. I suppose he might take her to the beach or something for their date. He's not the most romantic type, but he'd probably give her a rose or something. More than likely, he'd probably want to "get down to business," if you know what I mean. He's a very sexually straight forward kind of a guy. I'm not sure Tifa would appreciate that, actually.

* * *

I gots a question!

How much does Riku love his "Wife" aka- You Sora!

- Lunarkitty15

---

Now these are the kinda questions I like! Lunarkitty15, I would have to say that Riku loves me more than words can express. That, and he loves me long time (wink wink)! Seriously though, I'm pretty sure he loves me enough to die or kill for. And that's devotion, baby!

Like this one time when we were walking down the street and eating ice cream, and I turned into the street to go to the other side. Well, I wasn't really paying attention, so I was just looking at Riku and laughing about something. When, all of a sudden, he grabs me and yanks us both through the air. Landing on the sidewalk, I asked him, "Riku?! What the heck?!" Breathing heavy, he gasps, "You almost got run over!!"

Sitting up, we both stare as a young kid on a bicycle (with training wheels, mind you) starts pedaling by . . . slowly.

Giving Riku an "I cannot believe you just did that" kind of look, I start dusting myself and realize I dropped my ice cream. Sad, I look at the delicious treat, and that's when Riku hands his to me. "Sorry, Sora," he says, smiling uncertainly. Well, I was so moved at his sweetness and willingness to save me from a not-so-deadly experience, that I leapt into his arms and he carried me home. Now that's love.

Thanks for the question!

* * *

I've got a question or two...

1. Does Riku like Anime?

2. How would he fight against me? Cause I've got my own awesome keyblade too! It's a little something called OBLIVION! And I'm a girl so I'm curious what would he do?

3. Does he like cookies?

- DiamondOblivion

---

Wow! Thanks for the questions! Curiosity won't kill you here!! Let me take these in order.

1.) Does Riku like Anime? Hmm, good question. I think he does because he'll watch my anime with me, but he doesn't ever talk about it or anything. Except for the really gory ones and stuff. His favorite question when he watches Anime with me is: "There's no tentacle porn in this one is there?" He must have had a bad experience, because I know that _I've_ never seen any tentacle porn. But that's beside the point. I'm just gonna say that Riku is okay with Anime. Meaning, he doesn't necessarily love it, but he surely doesn't hate it either.

2.) Want to challenge Riku, do you? You are a brave girl. Well, I thought the last chapter could cover this question for you, but since you are a girl, it could be tricky. However, let's not forget that he spars/beats up Selphie often.

And, interestingly enough, he's also beat up Kairi too. Only once though. It happened one night when Riku, Kairi, and I were in Target. We were over in the electronics department looking at some things, when I suddenly hear Riku and Kairi arguing about something. Peaking over the side of one CD rack, I see them fighting over a CD. Conveniently, there happened to be only one left. And they both wanted it. Now when does that happen?!

Anyway, Kairi was giving her points and Riku was rebutting with his. Seeming to gain no ground, Kairi began getting teary eyed. And it's sad when girls cry, plus Riku didn't want to be a bully, so he relinquished his hold on the CD. "Whatever," he scoffed, "You have it." Drying her tears, Kairi said, "Thanks!" And walked over to where I was standing with a triumphant look on her face.

Suddenly, Kairi had been tackled to the ground. The CD went sliding across the floor, and, before I knew what was happening, Riku leapt off of Kairi, dashed toward the CD, scooped it up, and went running down to the cash registers laughing maniacally.

But back to your question. What would Riku do? Well, he might do something similar to what he did to Kairi or he might whip out the Charm style. And, if you're really good, maybe he'll even use Way To Dawn against you! Wouldn't that be horrifically fun!?!?

3.) Does Riku like cookies? Why, yes he does. Especially home-made cookies. Strangely though, he doesn't like them fresh out of the oven, but only after they've sat over night and cooled to his liking. Haha, what a weirdo, I know.

* * *

Why was Riku exceptionally jealous about you being friends with Donald & Goofy? Has he offed them by any chance?

- mr. bauer

---

Thank you so much for a second question, mr. bauer! Why was Riku jealous, well, I don't know. I mean, I _know_ but . . . his reason was stupid. I mean, just cause I was hanging out with other people . . . uh, animals . . . ? . . . doesn't mean I didn't like him anymore. I even invited him to join us!! He was just being an emo. And, like I said before, he did have his share of emo-ness.

Plus, Riku's the possessive type. When you are his friend, you are _only_ his friend. Basically.

Has he offed them? One can only hope. Don't get me wrong, they were all right. But when it gets right down to it, I much prefer Riku to those two. Plus, it would be freakin' hilarious to see Riku get in a fight with those two! Truth is, I haven't seen either of them in awhile, so . . . he probably did off them.

* * *

Dear Darling Sora,

-Does Riku appreciate Romance fanfiction/books/movies?

-What is Riku's all-time favorite Kingdom Hearts pairing (not including RikuxSora)?

-What is Riku's opinion on each of the following ships: SoraxKairi, SoraxRoxas, Zemyx, Akuroku, MarluxiaxVexen, RikuxYuffie, RikuxSelphie, and RikuxRepliku (hahahaha)?

-Where is Riku's favorite place for a date?

- Riku's Heart

---

Holy Mother of God!!! Your third question is gimantemous!! This is gonna be fun!

1.) He won't openly admit it, but I truly believe that Riku does appreciate a good Romantic fanfiction/book/movie every now and again. Truthfully though, he doesn't read much fanfiction, and when he does, it's all PWP yaoi involving him and me. And then he wants to try out all this great stuff that he "read somewhere." So, he doesn't really read romantic fanfiction.

As for reading in general, Riku doesn't pick up Romantic anything to read. And unless it's assigned to him, he won't give it the time of day. But, he can typically enjoy a nice Romance story if it's well written and all that jazz.

As for movies, that's where it really gets him. Since he doesn't have to do anything but sit there and keep his eyes open, Riku has actually watched some Romance movies in his life. Typically, we watch them together, but we never get foreign films. We're not big on the whole reading and watching at the same time thing.

And after we've watched a good Romantic movie, he has actually said, "That was pretty good!" I even saw him shed a tear during Titanic. But don't get me wrong, I was crying a river.

2.) Ahhh! He can't include Riku x Sora?! That's sad!! That's his favorite one!! Anyway, Riku's _other_ favorite pairing would have to be Axel x Roxas. Basically because they seem just so . . . right for each other. And he's friendly with both of them, so that's a good clue as well.

3.) All righty! I'll go right to Riku for his answers on these babies!!!

* * *

**What Riku Thinks . . . **

**On These Pairings!!!**

Sora: Hey, Riku. I'm gonna ask you about some pairings. Tell me what you think about them, ok?

Riku: Sure, Sora.

Sora: Ok, Sora x Kairi.

Riku: Ugh! Totally repulsive and untrue! If she ever so much as laid a sultry hand on you, I'd snap it backwards and thrust it through her face!!

Sora: A-haha! Ok, cool . . . cool. Sora x Roxas?

Riku: Hmm . . . that'd be pretty hot. I can see it. I don't like the fact of sharing you, but it's hot. I _suppose_ that one's alright.

Sora: Interesting. Didn't actually think you were gonna go that way. Anyway, Zemyx.

Riku: What the hell is "Zemyx?"

Sora: Zexion x Demyx.

Riku: Oh. I thought it was some kinda birth control pill.

Sora: I told you I was asking about pairings. That means between two people, not pills.

Riku: I thought you were trying to trick me. Catch me off guard or something, you know? Anyway, are they actually going out? I can totally see that. I suppose that one's all right. I would've foreseen Zexion being on bottom myself but . . . whatever.

Sora: Interesting. Ok, how about Akuroku?

Riku: Akuroku? Now that's a pill right?

Sora: I'm pretty sure it means Axel x Roxas.

Riku: . . . And where the Hell did the Aku come from?

Sora: You got me.

Riku: Hmm, ok. They're all right. Actually, I could see them getting together like we did.

Sora: Cool. Marluxia x Vexen?

Riku: Hahaha! They are so perfect for each other! Except, for this one I could see Marluxia being on bottom too, but whatever, it still works. I can totally see it.

Sora: Didn't think you were going to give that answer either. I'm glad you're so open minded . . . when it comes to gay couples anyway.

Riku: Yeah, I'm pretty good like that.

Sora: Ok, what about Riku x Yuffie?

Riku: Me? Getting it on with Yuffie? I don't think so. We barely know each other. Who asked you these strange questions?

Sora: God.

Riku: God? Really? Well, ask away.

Sora: Hehehe. Anyway, how do you feel about Riku x Selphie?

Riku: Absolutely repulsed.

Sora: Uh, okay. This one's the kicker: Riku x Repliku.

Riku: Heh, I'm hot, I'd do me.

Sora: Oi, that's exactly what I'd thought you say.

Riku: Hey, I know me, I don't have any diseases, plus I'm hot. I'm pretty much perfect, Sora.

Sora: Yeah, yeah.

Riku: Ah, you know you love me!

Sora: I know I do. Anyway, I'm done here. Thanks for your time, Sweety Pie!

Riku: Bye, Suga!

* * *

And there are your answers to question three, Riku's Heart! Time for number four!

4.) Where is Riku's favorite place for a date? This is gonna sound so boring, but his favorite place for a date is in his very own living room! Surprised? Yeah, I would be too. Think about it though, we can have dinner and a movie, watch the sun set by the beach, play laser tag, do all other sorts of things, and we don't have to go anywhere to do it! Don't misunderstand, we do go out in the world on the occasion, but I'm sure I've mentioned that Riku is quite the sex fiend. And since his parents are out a lot, we get the whole place to ourselves and we . . . do things. Hehehe!

Whooo! Those were some awesome questions! Thanks for sending in so many!!

* * *

Okay I have some questions for Sora:

1-What kinds of food does Riku eat?

2-What does Riku think about cosplayers?

3-Would you have sex with him if stayed in Ansem's form?

- Ranchdressing

---

Yay! More questions! Here we go!

1.) What kinds of food? All kinds! It hard to say exactly what he eats, cause he eats lots of things, but, for the most part, he likes Top Ramen. Any flavor will do, cooked or not. See, Riku likes preparing food that doesn't take much time. His motto is: If it takes longer to cook it then to eat it, then it isn't worth it! That's his motto on food anyway. He usually cooks it, but he will occasionally just take it out of the bag, sprinkle the seasoning on top, and chow down. I know, he's just weird . . . and lazy.

2.) Ooh, cosplayers. Riku has quite the animosity for these people. If he sees one cross his path, he immediately tenses up and prepares to pounce. Not only does he want to hurt them, he wants to rip their spines out, twist them in knots, strangle them with their intestines, pull out their hearts and eat them in front of them, cut off their kneecaps . . . and lots of other gruesome things of the like. The only time I've ever seen him tolerate a cosplayer was when their "costume" was exceptionally good. Which is a rarity indeed. But yeah . . . he no likey the cosplaying so much.

3.) Oh-hoho! This question is so embarrassing! But, being the kind reporter of the facts that I am, I will tell you. Don't you just feel lucky?! Would I have had sex with Riku if he had stayed in Ansem's form? Hmm, that depends really. See, if he pulled one of those moves where his outward appearance was Ansem but he was reflecting an image of himself and speaking directly to me in his own voice, then he could probably easily seduce me into having sex with him. And I would've liked it, dammit!

If he wouldn't have tried to change anything and just came to me sounding like Ansem then I would definitely not have had sex with him. Maybe. Uh . . . it depends. I mean, if I was so ready to look past the whole "It's not Riku! It's Ansem, you dummy!" then I wouldn't. But if I thought, "Hmm, it's close enough!" then I probably would've done it with him. Argh!! What am I saying?! That's crazy, Sora! Crazy!!!

Ahhh! Ranchdressing! Your question burns! My eyes! Blasphemy has been spewed from my oral cavity!!!

* * *

Due to my sudden lapse of sanity, this chapter has come to a close. But, really, it was coming to a close anyway. Hahahahaha!!!! Anyway, with the millions upon billions coming in every second, I hope everyone's questions will be eventually answered. And if by some freak chance they still aren't, please, by all means, send them in! But you'll have to wait for them to be answered cause I need to start covering some more info on Riku!! Yeah, I knew that's what you wanted to hear!

In the next chapter, I will explain to you who would win in a battle between Riku vs. Anybody! Yay! I can feel your excitement oozing through the screen already!!!

--------- End of Chapter Six ---------

A/N: Once again, I'd like to give a big thanks to RikuxTifa, Lunarkitty15, DiamondOblivion, mr. bauer, Riku's Heart, and Ranchdressing! Without them, I would've had to think up questions on my own. Hahaha! This chapter was a lot of fun to write! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Also, if you still have some questions, send them my way. Don't worry, it'll be a while before another Q and A chapter, so don't fret my lovelies! Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for reading!!


	7. Who Would Win? Riku vs Anybody

A/N: (Crawls out from a deep, dark hole) Holy crap, it's been a while! Sorry to those of you who have been waiting! Truly, I am! But I feel even worse for my other stories that haven't been updated in about four months. Oh well, I'll get 'em out some day. Anyway, enjoy!

— Plus, DiamondOblivion wants to fight so badly, I can feel her adrenaline through the screen. But, will Riku fight her? We'll see.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters from the game. Moreover, I do not own Square Enix or Disney. And that sucks.

Rating: Rated T for suggestive themes and such. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.

-------------------

Sora's Ultimate Guide to Riku

-------------------

So now you want a full composite list of whose asses Riku can, has, and/or will kick?! What's wrong with you people?! Don't you want Riku to spread the love?! Hahahaha! Nether do I! In this chapter, I'll pit an imaginary fight between Riku and (insert character here). Excited! _No?!_ Well . . . maybe you should be!

* * *

**Riku vs. Kairi**

You knew I had to put this one here! Well, let's look at this rationally: Riku is a man (first and foremost), he's stronger than Kairi anyway, his weapon (cause he actually has one) can do some major damage, he's sexier, he's happier, he's healthier, he's . . . wait, I don't know if those last ones count. Oh well. He is.

And now let's look at Kairi's stats: She's a woman, her arms are mere toothpicks, her head looks way too heavy for her to concentrate on anything but holding it up with her puny neck, and she's really got no weapon (the heart doesn't count; and unless you can prove to me a time where your actual beating heart helped you strike a hindrance down, then it will forever remain a pointless tool . . . unless you consider living grand and all that).

So who would win? Riku. In a heart beat. Two shakes of a lamb's tail, and all that jazz.

Level of Difficulty: Easy

What to watch out for: Incessant crying (on Kairi's part), hits below the belt, biting, slapping, and periods (again, all Kairi . . . unless Riku needs to tell me something).

* * *

**Riku vs. Organization XIII**

The answer may shock you, and if it does, leave now. How dare you not absolutely believe Riku could beat Organization XIII!

The only way he might lose would be if all the Organization members combined into one blob-esque force that threatened to squeeze the life out of Riku if he so much as came near their sinewy fingers. But I doubt the Organization members like each other enough to combine into one being, nor do I think they have the power to do that anyway. So, pretty much, Riku's the man.

Besides, the hardest ones to beat are Xaldin and Demyx. And as long as you choke Xaldin with his own hair and throw a coin at Demyx and say, "Wow, Demyx! Shiny!" to get him distracted, then that Organization is really no trouble at all.

Level of Difficulty: Medium (But only cause there's thirteen of 'em!)

What to watch out for: Xemnas gloating, Xigbar's patch, Xaldin (in general), Vexen lurking, Lexaeus smashing, Zexion emo-ing, Saix hissing, Axel not shutting up, Demyx stupid-ing, Luxord caring too much about his appearance, Marluxia perving, Larxene period-ing, and Roxas being a bitchy, less cool version of me.

* * *

**Riku vs. Cloud/Leon/Sephiroth**

That's right. At the same time. Could he do it?! Well, let's see.

Riku's got lovely hair, but so do all three of them combined. Strike one for Riku.

Riku loves himself! So does Sephiroth, but the other two are emos. Not a very good team combo. Strike one for the trio.

Riku's got a keyblade. And they have swords. Really big, long swords. That are sharp and pointy. Strike two for Riku.

Riku's a young, fiery spirit. They're all old men. Okay, they're not really _that_ old, but old enough to be where they could be gettin' sluggish. Strike two for the trio.

With things looking so even, can anyone really even win this battle? The answer is: Yes! And do you know who the winner is? Riku, of course! _But how?!_ I can hear you doubt. Let me explain.

See, while Riku's a very decent fighter on his own, it doesn't hurt to employ some strategical tact every once and a while. And those three would be so preoccupied with what _they_ were doing instead of what _each other_ was doing, that Riku could fully use it to his advantage.

If he goes after Leon first, he merely has to say, "Oh Squall! How are you today?" And just keep repeating the name until Leon flies into a rage, or a pitiful emo state, and starts thrashing at anyone or no one at all.

When he goes for Cloud, he merely needs to hold up a razor and a box. Waving the box around first, Riku only has to say, "Hey Cloud! I found your light! It's in this box! But, I guess it's not all that important anyway." Then, after slicing the box in two, Riku will throw the razor at Cloud and laugh, "Here, you emo. Best not forget who put you in this sorry state." Cloud will then become so enraged, he'll attack Sephiroth; his light taker.

Sephiroth is the easiest to pick off. Riku would either need to employ the "Cloud method," or find a way to get behind Sephi and slice off a few strands of hair. Too much, and he could fly into a rage, and no one wants that. The slight few will worry him so much, that the rest of the time Riku is fighting Cloud and Leon, he'll be trying to fix his hair, crying slightly.

Whichever person he goes after first, as long as nothing hinders him, Riku's sure to win.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Leon's magical extending Gunblade, too much emo, Sephiroth (in general), excessive amounts of testosterone, extreme amounts of vanity, and tight, black leather.

* * *

**Did you know?**

Riku uses a fluffy, pink luffa to wash himself.

* * *

**Riku vs. Tidus**

A strange rivalry that only Tidus seems to be involved in. But constant glares between the two suggest a deep-seeded hatred that I don't quite get. Let your pride go already, Tidus. Lordy.

This one shouldn't even send a twinge of doubt flying through your neurons at all. Riku would win so fully and easily, that it ain't even funny. But, for the sake of good fun, let's look at their stats.

Riku: Strong, cool, much better looking, knows magic, is hardened by his trip to other worlds, has the mysterious arm wrap, a better athlete, has a weapon _not_ made of wood, and he's older and more experienced than Tidus.

Tidus: Weak, frail, has a wooden sword as his weapon of choice, has never been off the island, has no magical experience whatsoever, an athlete but a poor one, and pretty much lame.

Hell, Riku could beat Tidus if Tidus was planning to kill Riku in his sleep and Riku turned over too hard sending whooshes of air slamming into Tidus's lithe frame. That's how much their powers differ. So much so, that Riku's _air_ can beat Tidus. Now that's pow-a!

Level of Difficulty: Not even one. It's so easy, babies cry at the thought.

What to watch out for: Tidus bitching, Tidus sucking, Tidus lame-ing, Tidus losering, Tidus crying, and Tidus stupiding.

* * *

**Riku vs. The Darkness**

Probably his most formidable opponent. This one took Riku the longest time to beat. I don't know if it was because he was afraid of the dark or secretly liked being a Bipolar emo, but whatever the case, he sure took his sweet time on this one.

Of course, I suppose I must take into the consideration that Riku was young and inexperienced or something like that. He's one of those kids who always wanted the wolf to eat the three little pigs. So, whatever Riku, think you're cool by giving in to the darkness.

I'm surprised he didn't tell me, "C'mon, Sora! Everybody's doing it!"

Level of Difficulty: Medium

What to watch out for: Ansem, complete and total lack of light, and Heartless.

* * *

**Riku vs. Disney**

Gasp! Riku vs. Disney?!?! Hells yes.

You may be thinking, "Well, so? Riku is the shiz-nat! Disney would only sing songs at him and drown him in their overpriced ticket sales! Go Riku!" And I would say, "Sure, but you gotta look on the . . . eviler side of Disney."

Think about it this way: Mickey Mouse has been around for how long? A long ass time. And think about all the people who know about him. Well, you'd pretty much have to be living in a hole to _not _know of M squared.

And then, of course, Mickey has many minions and pawns at his arsenal. Such as Donald, Goofy, Pluto, Minnie, Daisy, Pete . . . uh . . . everyone in Disney. EVERYONE!

What's a Riku to do?!

The best thing for him to do is either befriend them or just go straight for the leader. And considering how much time he spent with Master M, I'm surprised he didn't use it to his advantage. Who knows; maybe Riku likes Disney. Don't get me wrong, I love some of their movies but . . . hmm.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Catchy, repetitive sing-a-longs, huge, dead eyes, the mind state that "Friendship wins every battle!", unnatural voice pitches, and so many sequels that I could puke.

* * *

**Riku vs. Cosplayers**

Take note that Riku's only goin' after the _really_ bad ones. Especially of himself.

Now, cosplayers may just be in a league of their own. Taking on the persona of many various people more than once a year, or around Halloween, is a serious Riku strength zapper. He doesn't want to be around them, near them, under them, through them, on top of them, against them, behind them, in front of them, or above them.

Usually trying to stay as far away from these people as possible, Riku doesn't usually engage in this sort of battle. If he does, it's never good for the unfortunate few.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Severe misuse of the Japanese language, poor impersonation skills, awful renders of clothing, unnecessary gender swapping, and too many of one character.

* * *

**Scene 1:**

A harp chimes wistfully as Sora, Riku, and Kairi are walking through the mall one day. Lucky for them, the mall isn't too crowded.

All three laugh at a well delivered joke by Riku. As Riku is recovering from his own mastery of comedy, he glances to a small group of people dressed strangely.

The harp stops suddenly.

Cosplayers! A guitar screeches wildly as Riku's eyes squint together in anger as the color drains from his face. His heart beat is emphasized by every strum of the bass. And it's growing ever faster.

"Oh! Look how cute they are!" Kairi squeals, noticing the group.

Suddenly, Riku's hand flies out and slaps Kairi. Hard. Falling to ground, Kairi can just barely see as Riku leaps from his position and races toward the cosplayers in a rage.

"Cosplayers!" Riku screams, ferociously.

Sora and Kairi stare in shock as Riku proceeds to maim and dismember every person. A sad, gurgled, "This is so not Kawaii!" is heard from somewhere within the group. The guitar continues screeching as the screen does a close up on Riku's blood stained face and then fades.

* * *

**Riku vs. Riku**

Ah, yes. The inner struggle between ones self. You are your own worse enemy, after all. So, now I ask you: Am I talking about Riku fighting his own inner demons? Or am I merely suggesting a fight between Riku and Riku's clone of sorts?

Yeah, the second one. Riku's pretty shallow when it comes to "inner feelings" stuff. He displays basic emotions, but, come _on_, he's a guy. A generally happy guy at that.

So who would win? Well, I suppose this one's already been answered. Of course the original wins! That's like pitting Authentic Leather vs. Non-Authentic, Real Fur vs. Fake Fur, Sugar vs. Splenda! The original always wins. Always. They say no one can tell, but you so can.

The only struggle and/or difficulty I can see in this situation is Riku's hesitance to maim himself. I'm sure . . . no, I'm _positive_ he thinks he's too gorgeous to kill. But, after he realized there can only be one Riku in this world, he'd snap out of it and rip the punk to shreds. Ah, egoism. A beautiful thing indeed.

Level of Difficulty: Medium

What to watch out for: Too much Riku-ing, too much ego, too much self-loving, and far too many nose bleeds courtesy of myself.

* * *

**Did you know?**

Riku loves himself far too much for it to be healthy.

* * *

**Riku vs. Food**

I know, right? Weird. But, doesn't everyone battle food? A little bit? Come on, give me something people!

To keep himself firm, mean, and lean, Riku works out and plays sports and blahdy blahdy blah. But, you know, when it comes time to sit down to a nice big meal, with a sugary cake of goodness standing by, how can one such as him stop himself from eating too much? Willpower? Mental slaps? Pinching his legs under the table every time he even _thinks_ about reaching for a second helping of BBQ ribs?

Who knows. But, truthfully, I think his metabolism's much too fast acting for that sort of worry. But, you know those muscular, manly types; always gotta be keeping that body tight. Whatever.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Constant sweating, dry swallowing sounds that make me want to gag, shifting nervously, irritation, and unhealthy twitching.

* * *

**Riku vs. Women**

Ha! I made it sound like he actually goes after the female population trying to destroy them! He doesn't, don't worry. I'm talking about all those rabid fangirls that constantly try to get into his pants.

Now, one or two fangirls, not a problem. He can usually use his charm to get out of those tricky little situations. However, if there's a group of eight or more, it becomes increasingly more difficult.

Riku's only strategy is to try to use his charm the best way he can and, if that doesn't work, run as far as his frightened legs will take him. In some instances, he's been known to shout, "I'm gay! Don't you get it?!" but this seems to prove more fatal as leagues of yaoi fangirls now join the fray. And they are, sometimes, more deadly and stalkerish.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Continue misuse of the Japanese language, rabid girls who lose all sense of dignity and moral character, girly screams (coming from Riku), clothes tearing, and death.

* * *

**Riku vs. Men**

Pu-lease. Like you didn't know that Riku is stalked by both genders. And probably some of those mixed ones as well.

Anyway, fanboys are a tougher breed than fangirls. For one thing, they are men just like Riku. However, whether they actually have the ability to defeat Riku is one thing. A large swarm can be quite devastating, though.

He doesn't really like to use his charm or wit to thwart these kinds of evils, but he will if he has to. Unfortunately for Riku, fanboys seem to never give up, and the chase may be going for many hours. Another strategy he uses is to plead, "Please! I'm straight!" But they know better.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are the guys that think Riku's a gay little fairy boy. That, or they're jealous and want to beat him up because their girlfriend swoons over Riku night and day. So, gangsters and wanksters alike all chase him through the streets of Manhattan. Or, you know, wherever Riku happens to be at the time.

Usually all talk, these men are mostly so preoccupied with keeping their pants up around their waists, that they don't notice Riku gaining more and more ground until he's out of sight. And if Riku's feeling particularly pissy, he might just own their asses. Go Riku.

Level of Difficulty: Hard

What to watch out for: Wanking, bad gangsta slang, pants three sizes' too large, fanboys (in general), and one very exhausted Riku.

* * *

**Scene 2:**

Riku is walking happily through the park. Happy chimes twinkle softly in the breeze. Ah, yes. This is the life. However, as Riku turns a corner, he sees a group of guys playing Chain of Memories. _Fanboys_.

Horrified, Riku turns quickly as the sky begins to darken. The chimes have turned into a melody of fast playing flutes. "Hey, isn't that Riku?" He hears one voice echo. The music stops. And Riku starts running.

A drum pounds evilly as Riku hears the thundering of steps behind him. His breath hitching, he can hear the boys of his fandom calling his name from behind. "Riku!" "Riku, I love you!" "Riku, I'll be your side-kick: Darkness Boy!"

Turning a corner abruptly, Riku meets up with a pack of gangsters and wanksters. "Yo!" one of the wanksters cry, "Dat dude done stole my girl, dawg! I'ma gon' hit chu so hard yer mama gon' cry!"

Appalled by the poor treatment of the English language, Riku looks to his left and to his right. Gangsters, wanksters, _and_ fanboys. Everywhere.

Fortunately for him, a kitten just happens to walking by. Kicking it, Riku immediately regains the power of darkness and disappears into a vortex before being swarmed.

The chimes play happily once again as Riku lands safely somewhere else. "Hey, isn't that Riku?" _Gasp_.

And the saga continues.

* * *

**Riku Gets A Telephone Call:**

Riku: Hello?

Mysterious Person: Hello Riku. Are you enjoying that popcorn?

Riku: Hm? What popcorn?

Mysterious Person: Oh . . . um. Could you move to the side a little bit. Thanks. Are you enjoying those potato chips?

Riku: Am I supposed to be scared cause you're watching me and I have no idea where you are?

Mysterious Person: Muwhahahahaha! But of course! I hope you don't fear death, Riku.

Riku: Not really, no.

Mysterious Person: Well, maybe you should! Cause you _are_ about to die, you know.

Riku: Hmm . . . shut up, Tidus.

Mysterious Person!!! Um, uh! I'm not Tidus! I'm -

Riku: See ya at school tomorrow.

Tidus: Ok, bye.

* * *

**Riku vs. DiamondOblivion?**

Obviously, you note the question mark at the end. What does it mean?! Well, I received a request by miss DO, and she desperately wants to participate in this epic struggle of Riku vs. Anybody!

Truth is, I'm not sure what Riku would do in this situation, so I asked him.

* * *

**Asking Riku:**

Sora: Hey Riku. DiamondOblivion wants to fight you.

Riku: DiamondOblivion? Is that like those monster WEAPONS from FFVII?

Sora: No, silly. It's a person.

Riku: What gender?

Sora: She's a girl.

Riku: Sora, please. I do _not_ beat up women.

Sora: But you've beaten up Kairi and Selphie.

Riku: Hm, come again.

Sora: I said, you've beaten up Kairi and Selphie.

Riku: They're not girls.

Sora: Uh, yes they are.

Riku: Nope.

Sora: Yes they are, Riku.

Riku: They're prepubescent boys with tiny, minuscule breasts and no dicks.

Sora: Riku!!

Riku: It's true. So, no, I won't fight this girl. Sorry toots.

Sora: And . . . I guess that's it. Sorry DiamondOblivion.

And now, finally, the last match up:

* * *

**Riku vs. Sora**

Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnn!

So, who would win? I know there's some of you already taking Riku's side, and plenty others taking mine. But let's look at this rationally.

Who's won more battles between the two of us? Me. Look at all the Organization members I've maimed, all the Heartless I've slain, the countless worlds I've been to where enemies ran free, and even all those countless fights against Riku himself.

Not saying that Riku's a pussy or anything, but my battle experience is far superior to his.

Who's won more battles in the epic Riku vs. Sora trilogy? Me. Let's see, I beat him over 100 times before our first adventure in order to gather all those potions and the oh-so-coveted hi-potion he had in those large pants of his, I won in the foot race, and I won against him both times in Hollow Bastion.

Did he win any? No. Yes, yes . . . poor Riku.

Who's stronger? Well, I may not look it, but I can pack quite the punch. Obviously. Sure, Riku's got his muscles and his hair and stuff, but, again, look at all the battles I've won. Who's stronger? Me.

And then it all comes down to who rules this relationship. And, come one, you can't seriously think it's Riku. Of course it's me. I can quell his rage with a few tears, he listens when _I_ tell him "no", and, moreover, he respects me. Truthfully, Riku's a bit of a punk, so respect for others beside himself is hard to come by.

Thus, the only person who can beat Riku is: ME!

Level of Difficulty: Impossible. My powers are so great that I tower over Riku in this aspect. Hardened criminals cringe, and sometimes cry, at the thought of passing me when I walk past them on the street.

What to watch out for: Manipulation, hurt pride, being whipped, Sora's famous pout, acting slightly out of character, and boy love.

* * *

And those are just a few of the many scenarios. If you want to know the truth, Riku can beat everything and everyone but me. So, you know, no more mysteries. In the next chapter, I will be discussing Skills That Non-Riku's Only Dream Of Having. So, keep an eye out for that. Plus, I am still accepting questions about Riku. And, if you're lucky, I just might squeeze in yours out of the countless billions. Thank you.

--------- End of Chapter Seven ---------

A/N: Sorry for the wait, but there it was! Reviews are greatly appreciated and thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
